Why some couples lose the ‘spark’ in their relationship: expert

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Attraction can fade over time, but according to an expert there’s a reason for that.

Starielle Hope Newman, a content creator studying human relationships, claims attraction between couples fades not because of their actual attraction, but due to a block in the flow of energy from one partner to the other.

Newman, who calls herself a “personal trainer for love,” demonstrated what she meant in an Instagram video, using a diagram she drew to explain her theory.

“Attraction happens when energy is able to flow freely between two people,” she said. “We call this chemistry.”

To illustrate this, she drew two people with a clear glass pane between them — symbolizing when a relationship starts and “it’s completely clear.”

“There’s no resentment, nothing unsaid and energy is able to flow freely,” she explained. “Over time, things go unsaid.”


Screenshot of blonde woman instagram.
Newman said a lack of communication can build up over time and stop the spark.
Starielle Hope Newman/Instagram

Screenshot Instagram diagram of relationship breakdown.
She drew diagrams of how not communicating can cause a breakdown in relationships.
Starielle Hope Newman/Instagram

Couple in bed not facing each other arms crossed.
“Muddying” the communication can lead to a loss of attraction.
Getty Images/iStockphoto

Newman says these things left unsaid build up over time and can stop the energy flow — and spark — between people.

To show this, she showed a “muddied” pane of glass between the two people.

“Each time there’s some even small conflict that goes unresolved, it’s like throwing a bunch of mud at that pane of glass,” she explained. “Over time, more and more of these things happen. And you’ve got more and more mud, so much mud that you can’t even see each other through the glass, so you have much less have energy flow.”

Obviously the more “mud” — or miscommunication — that builds up, the more a relationship will break down, but it can be fixed if both people are committed to putting in more effort.

To resolve this, Newman suggests actually having the difficult conversations to “clear the mud.”

“[Losing the spark] has nothing to do with needing the spice things up,’” she said.

According to psychotherapist and executive coach, Dr. Daryl Appleton, there are ways to get the most out of difficult conversation with a partner.

Appleton suggested avoiding using blaming language, criticizing too harshly, and striking up the conversation when tired or hungry to make sure you don’t say regrettable things.

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