You want fries with that?
The answer my dudes is a resounding, all caps YES, as there is perhaps no single comfort food more celebrated than the french fry; a humble marriage of starch and fat, crunch and salt.
Not even the revelation that eating fried potatoes increases anxiety and depression can dissuade us.
Ever built for excess, we as Americans consume on average 30 pounds of french fries per person per year and a quarter of all potatoes eaten in our fair, stolen lands are taken in the form of the fry.
McDonald’s with it gilded arches, glorious trans fats and hands in the fries workforce, is the world’s top purveyor of french fries, dealing and doling a reported nine million pounds of them every day.
In honor of this most hallowed junk food, we take to the drive throughs, diners, frozen food aisles and restaurants to celebrate National French Fry Day on July 13.
It’s no coincidence that this homage to comfort food comes in the watery heart of Cancer season, the sign most associated with eating their feelings and carbohydrates as self-care (Taurus is a close second.)
Curiously, the French fry, by most accounts, did not originate in France at all. American soldiers serving in Belgium during World War I got a taste of, and for, Belgian potato fries, or frites as it were, and because French was the official language of the Belgian Army, theory holds US servicemen christened them “French” fries.
What kind of french fry aligns with your zodiac sign? Read on to learn more.
Aries is my choice for shoestring fries as the width and length of these potatoes serves as a metaphor for the notoriously short fuse of this cardinal fire sign.
Add to it that Aries folk, for all their faults, exhibit no snobbery and never shy away from junk, kitsch or a midwest casserole topped with packaged fried potatoes and for this, we celebrate them.
Taurus worships, nipples out, coins in hand, at the honeyed altar of decadence.
Rulers of the second house of wealth and worth, if they can get, or make it extra rich they’re in.
Enter the truffle fry. Like a first class seat, extra guac, flowers in the guest room and gold leaf on your birthday cake, this fancy AF french fry varietal is at once absolutely unnecessary and absolutely worth it.
Gemini is a curly fry because it’s as hard to get a straight answer out of them as it is to get a straight line out of this fry.
Analogous of the Gemini disposition, at their deep fried zenith, curly fries are a salty, satisfying novelty and at their tepid fair ground rock bottom, an inconsistent mess.
Cancers don’t mind cheese baby, whether it’s a healthy tide of government cheddar or the Nicholas Sparks oeuvre.
Cancer likes their food with a side of nostalgia and cheese fries call to mind simpler times, richer memories and the caloric abandon of youth.
Leo rules over the fifth house of pleasure and play, the domain of carnivals and carousels, ferris wheels and boardwalks; built for a good time and a fast get away.
Crinkle cut fries
Ever in pursuit of efficiency and the ghost ship of perfection Virgo is the crinkle cut fry of the zodiac.
With their crystal visions of how things could be improved Virgos exist (in their own minds) as just a little bit better, a touch more refined and a whole lot more streamlined than the rest of us.
In kind, the crinkle cut of this fry leads to enhanced crispiness and more space for dips and flavor dustings to settle.
Check out more of The Post’s food astrology content:
Libra is ruled by Venus, planet of finery. Libras are naturally drawn to the beautiful, symmetrical, expensive and exquisite, even and especially when it is out of reach, financially or otherwise.
I know a Libra that chose purchasing a sheepskin accent rug over paying their phone bill on time. Priorities, dig?
For these reasons, Libra is the pomme soufflée of french fries, fancy on purpose and without apology.
Scorpio is the steak fry of the zodiac as they are tougher to get through than other varietals and usually require a double fry to reach peak exterior crunch and fluffy center.
Analogous of this, it takes at least twice as long for a Scorpio to warm up to a stranger and though they are loathe to admit it, inside every one of them lives a soft center crying out for love, acceptance and aioli.
Chili cheese fries
A mutable fire sign, Sagittarius is ruled by Jupiter, planet of expansion and excess, good luck and living fast and loose.
There is perhaps no incarnation of potato that represents these energies more than the gout as your guide, eat it if you dare, roll the dice on indigestion, take fate into your hands and gullet holy trinity of chili cheese fries.
Capricorn means business and lives by a waste not want not, get rich or die trying approach to money and food scraps.
As Eater deftly notes, “the tater tot is American ingenuity at it’s finest.” An enterprising answer to excess the tater tot was born from the potato debris left behind from frozen french fries.
Sorted, shaped, baked or fried, from duck confit Irish nachos in high end restaurants to the plastic expanse of the school lunch tray, the tater tot, like its zodiac equivalent is a workhorse spud.
Add to it that Capricorn is the uncontested daddy of the zodiac and tater tots are its starched and obedient offspring.
Aquarians are a surprising people. Ruled by structured Saturn and punk rock Aquarius they go against the grain and the plebeian stream.
Enter the waffle fry, whose means of making are blowing minds with the kind of technology water bearers trade in, mandolin magic and mechanical poetry in motion.
Add to the mix that the waffle fry is the signature starch of Chik-Fil-A, our pick for the most Aquarian fast food restaurant.
Sweet potato fries
Ruled by dreamy planet Neptune and made of existential water stuffs, Pisces is the care bear of the zodiac, until of they’re pushed to the brink of disassociation and their (serial) killer instincts kick in.
By and large though, these folk are the metaphorical equivalent of a sweet potato fry, orange of aura with a little extra sugar in their selfhood.
Astrology 101: Your guide to the stars
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling.